There is something so validating about being included. I wish I understood it better, but so much of my life has followed that same path of being excluded, forgotten, left out. I wish 12 year old me had read your words. I bet they would have felt seen and understood.
Thank you- it's strange how feeling left out is actually....a universal experience? Or at least unifying, I'm finding. Maybe we're all less alone than we think <3 I hope so, anyway.
This resonated so much. AND it was wonderfully written. Really well written. Thank you for this!
(As for the woman in the flowery dress--i'll call it: she was rude. Rude to interrupt, rude not to introduce herself, and rude to not include you in the moment. Good conversation is not a tag-team event with insiders and outsiders)
Have you seen The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? It is me in a nutshell though I haven't broken out of my daydreaming shell.
My ostracization did often include bullying and antagonism. And I wasnt well liked by my family either. 🙃 I always thought my outcast status was because of my familial wounding and that being reflected in the world around me. But maybe I'm just a loser! Maybe there's nowhere for me to go!?
I can't even make friends and being online isnt better. I struggle everyday with this stuff. And my current friendships arent great!
I haven't seen it but now I need to! I'm so sorry that feeling connected and making friends feels challenging. I hope this gives you a small tether of connection- I'm finding, just lately, that we're all less alone than we think. I hope this for you, too.
I've always hidden it pretty well, but I, too, have spent most of my life feeling out of step, out of place, on the fringe, and mostly alone. Only in the last several years has that really begun to shift. For me, it was childhood trauma and changing schools every year that kept me feeling on the outside of things until I no longer understood how to be like other people. It has been such a long road back from that. Anyway, this is a poignant and beautiful and generous essay, Elizabeth.
Thank you so much, I'm glad you're on your way back from feeling like you're on the outside, because a road back for one surely means a road back for all! <3 May we all find our roads back!
I have been here, right where you are, always feeling like an outsider. This past Wednesday I had the everyone went to lunch with everyone else and I was left behind, not really understanding why & feeling that acute sting. As much as I try to say it doesn't matter, I don't need to be included, I still have the want sometimes too.
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable part of life. ❤️❤️
The left behind lunch! It's the worst! I've been there. I'm sorry so many people know this left-out feeling, but it's oddly comforting that we're all together in it. A kind-of strange solidarity!
Oh my goodness, thank you for putting into words how I so often feel, and have felt too, even here on Substack. Having a chronic illness means I have been even more isolated and alone and your words made me feel validated in my feelings, thank you 😊
Elizabeth, as another single mom out here, so much of what you wrote resonates. My only child and I were lucky to be looped into a gaggle of four darling couples and their kids at the start of daycare. To this day I feel deep gratitude for that inclusion because it's my experience for the most part that people who are coupled rarely include single parents on outings/events (even when it's just the moms.) Honestly, I also knew somewhere inside me that the only people who might include me would have to be as odd or quirky and dark-humoured as I am. (Which proved absolutely true, I was an odd duck roped in with other odd ducks, some of them married to each other.) I never fit with the bouncy, popular, 'together' crowds-they knew it and I knew it, but I also grew to know I had no inclination to try to fit in with them. I never wanted to focus on diapers or daycare as the sole topics of my adult conversations. Now our friends live 2000 kms from us and we visit when we can. I have spent the bulk of my single parenting years alone and I realize how protective I have become of my solitude. I do get lonely but I also cherish being alone. I want to thank you for writing this brave piece. Sending you a fist bump of solidarity. Our hearts with you and your daughter and her diagnosis, as well as your son. I look forward to reading more of your journey. Great to happen upon you on here. Also, you are not nobody. And I hope you might read a favourite memoir of mine: Are you somebody? by the Irish journalist and writer, Nuala O'Faolain. There's a fantastic interview of the author you can listen to here: https://www.cbc.ca/listen/live-radio/1-77-writers-and-company. You are somebody. Great to meet you.
Well this brought me to tears. Thank you so much....so much of what YOU wrote hits home with me. When my kids were little it was harder being that 'odd duck' and never fitting in. But they've grown up to be odd ducks themselves, so now there are three of us, and sometimes it feels like that makes up for all the rest of it. I just ordered that memoir and I can't wait to read it- timely, as I'm working on my own memoir, so I'm especially grateful we've connected! Thank you, thank you <3
Thank you for writing this and expressing your vulnerability so well. I related with a lot of it, and have always felt like I’m an outsider in groups. Maybe that’s the energy we give off because we really do prefer our own company, but also enjoy authentic connection with others, which is difficult to find, especially past a certain age. The woman in the flowered dress was rude so don’t take it personally. I stay off instagram and facebook because i remember feeling that rush of rejection so often. I think substack is a much better place to find deeper connections.
Thank you so much! I'm finding Substack to be full of so many wonderful connections, and a great deal of support, of championing other writers. I'm trying to pay that forward as much and as often as I can!
Aw, Elizabeth, your writing tugs at my heart! I can feel your yearning in every word, and I deeply relate. I'm so glad you're here with us at SmallStack. You belong here, full stop.
By now i think we all know - we are not the only ones always feeling on the outside looking in, not belonging or fitting in, not interesting enough... there is a whole tribe of us out there - including, much to our surprise, a lot of those that, from the outside, look like they have all the popularity and ease of connections we could ever hope for.
And still - when those old stories and beliefs rise up within and nip us in those tender places, it always hurts like new, doesn't it...
There is indeed a whole group of us, it seems! I'm still taken aback by how many people I've connected with over writing about feeling disconnected. There's another essay in there, I think!
This is the first piece of bread of yours. I was very pulled in by the title.
I resonate with all of it, as a single mom with twins that were born at 1 pound each
You know the story how they say you need 15 extra minutes to prep every child to get out the door. Well, you need much more when they have a disability.
I was always a dollar short and hour late and I’m outside looking in.
Not only finding places of belonging for them, but educating people about inclusion, accommodation, and difference
It was so painful to try to fit in. I started my own school to include children with disabilities.
It was a labor of love and the hardest thing I ever did, but other families were able to have a place to their children.
Many wonderful connections were made, but I was usually too exhausted to have adult conversations
This is still the case, however, less and less.
Watching my twins exclusion is another story.
I’ve written some about this in your essay gives me inspiration to write more.
"I was always a dollar short and hour late and I’m outside looking in." This made me tear up with recognition. And what an extraordinary thing, it start your own school. Thank you so much for reading, and for sharing your experience <3
Thank you for writing this. This is such a good reminder that, while our reasons may differ, loneliness is a universal feeling and often invisible to those around us. I suppose that's part of why it hurts so much. To acknowledge someone's suffering opens to the possibility that we might be supporting a structure that excludes. And if we know it, we must do something about it. Unfortunately, it is much easier for many people to avert their eyes and hearts. I wish flowery dress lady, and maybe even your friend, had behaved better. Also, you are not alone in social media FOMO. I have had MANY moments when I've landed on a post that triggered the wheel of anxiety, rejection, loneliness, worthlessness, or just overwhelm. Sometimes I manage it all well, sometimes I don't.
It's good to know I'm not alone- I'm stunned at how not alone I am, truthfully. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, I love how there is so much connection and understanding to be found through what initially felt like profound disconnection.
You have more kinship than you think. What makes you unique is your willingness—and, courage—to share what you go through in such a raw and authentic way. Imagine if all of the people who felt this way could connect…
Thank you, I am blown away by how many people have reached out and said they feel seen and connected, especially from a piece on feeling disconnected. It's wonderful. May we all find such connection.
There is something so validating about being included. I wish I understood it better, but so much of my life has followed that same path of being excluded, forgotten, left out. I wish 12 year old me had read your words. I bet they would have felt seen and understood.
Thank you- it's strange how feeling left out is actually....a universal experience? Or at least unifying, I'm finding. Maybe we're all less alone than we think <3 I hope so, anyway.
This resonated so much. AND it was wonderfully written. Really well written. Thank you for this!
(As for the woman in the flowery dress--i'll call it: she was rude. Rude to interrupt, rude not to introduce herself, and rude to not include you in the moment. Good conversation is not a tag-team event with insiders and outsiders)
Thank you so much for your kind words- and your solidarity!
Have you seen The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? It is me in a nutshell though I haven't broken out of my daydreaming shell.
My ostracization did often include bullying and antagonism. And I wasnt well liked by my family either. 🙃 I always thought my outcast status was because of my familial wounding and that being reflected in the world around me. But maybe I'm just a loser! Maybe there's nowhere for me to go!?
I can't even make friends and being online isnt better. I struggle everyday with this stuff. And my current friendships arent great!
Thank you for writing this!!
I haven't seen it but now I need to! I'm so sorry that feeling connected and making friends feels challenging. I hope this gives you a small tether of connection- I'm finding, just lately, that we're all less alone than we think. I hope this for you, too.
I so relate!
I've always hidden it pretty well, but I, too, have spent most of my life feeling out of step, out of place, on the fringe, and mostly alone. Only in the last several years has that really begun to shift. For me, it was childhood trauma and changing schools every year that kept me feeling on the outside of things until I no longer understood how to be like other people. It has been such a long road back from that. Anyway, this is a poignant and beautiful and generous essay, Elizabeth.
Thank you so much, I'm glad you're on your way back from feeling like you're on the outside, because a road back for one surely means a road back for all! <3 May we all find our roads back!
I have been here, right where you are, always feeling like an outsider. This past Wednesday I had the everyone went to lunch with everyone else and I was left behind, not really understanding why & feeling that acute sting. As much as I try to say it doesn't matter, I don't need to be included, I still have the want sometimes too.
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable part of life. ❤️❤️
The left behind lunch! It's the worst! I've been there. I'm sorry so many people know this left-out feeling, but it's oddly comforting that we're all together in it. A kind-of strange solidarity!
It really is nice to know we're not alone, but still a little oddly alone 🙃 ❤️
Oh my goodness, thank you for putting into words how I so often feel, and have felt too, even here on Substack. Having a chronic illness means I have been even more isolated and alone and your words made me feel validated in my feelings, thank you 😊
I'm so glad you feel seen, but so sorry you too know that feeling of exclusion. It helps to know we're all on the outside together, I think!
Chronic illness is so lonely! Not only do we have long lonely days of isolation but it’s also so hard for others to relate to our experiences. xoxo
For sure!!! x
Elizabeth, as another single mom out here, so much of what you wrote resonates. My only child and I were lucky to be looped into a gaggle of four darling couples and their kids at the start of daycare. To this day I feel deep gratitude for that inclusion because it's my experience for the most part that people who are coupled rarely include single parents on outings/events (even when it's just the moms.) Honestly, I also knew somewhere inside me that the only people who might include me would have to be as odd or quirky and dark-humoured as I am. (Which proved absolutely true, I was an odd duck roped in with other odd ducks, some of them married to each other.) I never fit with the bouncy, popular, 'together' crowds-they knew it and I knew it, but I also grew to know I had no inclination to try to fit in with them. I never wanted to focus on diapers or daycare as the sole topics of my adult conversations. Now our friends live 2000 kms from us and we visit when we can. I have spent the bulk of my single parenting years alone and I realize how protective I have become of my solitude. I do get lonely but I also cherish being alone. I want to thank you for writing this brave piece. Sending you a fist bump of solidarity. Our hearts with you and your daughter and her diagnosis, as well as your son. I look forward to reading more of your journey. Great to happen upon you on here. Also, you are not nobody. And I hope you might read a favourite memoir of mine: Are you somebody? by the Irish journalist and writer, Nuala O'Faolain. There's a fantastic interview of the author you can listen to here: https://www.cbc.ca/listen/live-radio/1-77-writers-and-company. You are somebody. Great to meet you.
Well this brought me to tears. Thank you so much....so much of what YOU wrote hits home with me. When my kids were little it was harder being that 'odd duck' and never fitting in. But they've grown up to be odd ducks themselves, so now there are three of us, and sometimes it feels like that makes up for all the rest of it. I just ordered that memoir and I can't wait to read it- timely, as I'm working on my own memoir, so I'm especially grateful we've connected! Thank you, thank you <3
So lovely to connect with you on here, Elizabeth!
Will listen
I love the name and Irish
Thank you for writing this and expressing your vulnerability so well. I related with a lot of it, and have always felt like I’m an outsider in groups. Maybe that’s the energy we give off because we really do prefer our own company, but also enjoy authentic connection with others, which is difficult to find, especially past a certain age. The woman in the flowered dress was rude so don’t take it personally. I stay off instagram and facebook because i remember feeling that rush of rejection so often. I think substack is a much better place to find deeper connections.
Thank you so much! I'm finding Substack to be full of so many wonderful connections, and a great deal of support, of championing other writers. I'm trying to pay that forward as much and as often as I can!
Aw, Elizabeth, your writing tugs at my heart! I can feel your yearning in every word, and I deeply relate. I'm so glad you're here with us at SmallStack. You belong here, full stop.
thank you!! I'm so glad to be a part of it!
Thank you for sharing so vulnerably, Elizabeth!
By now i think we all know - we are not the only ones always feeling on the outside looking in, not belonging or fitting in, not interesting enough... there is a whole tribe of us out there - including, much to our surprise, a lot of those that, from the outside, look like they have all the popularity and ease of connections we could ever hope for.
And still - when those old stories and beliefs rise up within and nip us in those tender places, it always hurts like new, doesn't it...
There is indeed a whole group of us, it seems! I'm still taken aback by how many people I've connected with over writing about feeling disconnected. There's another essay in there, I think!
Yes! Isn’t it beautiful - a whole tribe of ‘misfits’ & ‘outsiders’ finding they do fit…just not quite where they thought they ‘should’…😄✨💜💫
Hello Elizabeth,
This is the first piece of bread of yours. I was very pulled in by the title.
I resonate with all of it, as a single mom with twins that were born at 1 pound each
You know the story how they say you need 15 extra minutes to prep every child to get out the door. Well, you need much more when they have a disability.
I was always a dollar short and hour late and I’m outside looking in.
Not only finding places of belonging for them, but educating people about inclusion, accommodation, and difference
It was so painful to try to fit in. I started my own school to include children with disabilities.
It was a labor of love and the hardest thing I ever did, but other families were able to have a place to their children.
Many wonderful connections were made, but I was usually too exhausted to have adult conversations
This is still the case, however, less and less.
Watching my twins exclusion is another story.
I’ve written some about this in your essay gives me inspiration to write more.
You are brave and wonderful.
Somebody I want to read more from
Thank you
"I was always a dollar short and hour late and I’m outside looking in." This made me tear up with recognition. And what an extraordinary thing, it start your own school. Thank you so much for reading, and for sharing your experience <3
Thank you so much. Your response touches me with recognition.
Somebody’s Nobody^^
Thank you for writing this. This is such a good reminder that, while our reasons may differ, loneliness is a universal feeling and often invisible to those around us. I suppose that's part of why it hurts so much. To acknowledge someone's suffering opens to the possibility that we might be supporting a structure that excludes. And if we know it, we must do something about it. Unfortunately, it is much easier for many people to avert their eyes and hearts. I wish flowery dress lady, and maybe even your friend, had behaved better. Also, you are not alone in social media FOMO. I have had MANY moments when I've landed on a post that triggered the wheel of anxiety, rejection, loneliness, worthlessness, or just overwhelm. Sometimes I manage it all well, sometimes I don't.
It's good to know I'm not alone- I'm stunned at how not alone I am, truthfully. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, I love how there is so much connection and understanding to be found through what initially felt like profound disconnection.
Yes. 'You Come, too'. I hope for this for you. Hugs.
thank you, hugs to you!!
This is a beautiful piece of writing. Well done. Like many other misfits here, I find myself belonging in your words. ❤️
Thank you so much- I'm stunned at how much connection has come out of, well, what felt like the opposite!
You have more kinship than you think. What makes you unique is your willingness—and, courage—to share what you go through in such a raw and authentic way. Imagine if all of the people who felt this way could connect…
Thank you, I am blown away by how many people have reached out and said they feel seen and connected, especially from a piece on feeling disconnected. It's wonderful. May we all find such connection.